Are You a Royalist Lickspittle or a Republican Scumbag? Test Your Devotion to the Windsors

Written by Paxton Quigley

Tuesday, 16 July 2019

image for Are You a Royalist Lickspittle or a Republican Scumbag? Test Your Devotion to the Windsors
"Mama, grandpa's farted again".

As a social experiment The Spoof is offering its readers a one-off opportunity in its on-line quiz to see if you're a true royalist or a traitorous republican.

1. The Princess Royal is well-known for being a miserable cow. Is this:
a) An unfair assessment of her demeanour. She's just misunderstood?
b) Just about right and she deserves a slap with a wet kipper?

2. Following the arrest of his best pal, Jeffrey Epstein on child sex trafficking charges, the Duke of York, aka Prince Andrew, gives your 16-year-old daughter a booty call in the middle of the night. Do you:
a) Call an Uber and pack her off to Buck House without any knickers?
b) Tell him to piss off and call one of his Soho tarts?

3. You're at a polo match in Windsor Great Park and the Duchess of Cornwall is out of Woodbines.
a) Would you give her your last ciggie?
b) Or tell her "bog off, you wizened old crone"?

4. Charles Windsor aka the Prince of Wales, is in your local Wetherspoons, but doesn't have his wallet or even understand the concept of money.
a) Do you buy him a pint of organic Stoat and Gobbler?
b) Or tell him that his financial pillaging of the Duchy of Cornwall means he can buy his own?

5. The Earl of Wessex, Prince Edward, has written and produced a West End theatre production about the trials and tribulations of being a closet gay (no relation to real persons either living or dead) which the critics have panned. You are invited to the opening night. Do you give his work a standing ovation?
a) Of course, he is a multi-talented thespian of the first order and successful film producer.
b) You would ignore the invitation. You're no sycophant.

6. Gentlemen only: Is it treasonous to fantasise about Princess Megs when in flagrante delicto with your missus?
a) Absolutely. She is a precious princess and you should be ashamed.
b) Why should it be? You'd fuck all the royal fillies in an act of class warfare.

7. Ladies only: An ex-naval officer colleague of Prince Philip once informed the author that the Duke of Edinburgh is well endowed. If the Duke asked you to, would you give it a tug?
a) Yes, willingly and more if he asked for it.
b) Take a photo of it and get on the phone to the editor of The Sun.

8. Princess Beatrice of York is in your local Lidl struggling with the self-service checkout as she buys cut-price prosecco. What do you do?
a) Explain the intricacies of card payment and ask her for a selfie?
b) Invite her round to your flat for an evening of drunken debauchery to show her your collection of Koo Stark soft porn films and topless photos of Fergie?

9) Princess Michael of Kent was born Baroness Marie Christine von Reibnitz to a Nazi army officer and his wife in Germany in 1945. She is in need of a kidney transplant and tissue matching shows that you are the only person who can donate. What would you do?
a) Any member of the royal family deserves my support, even my bodily parts, so it's a no-brainer.
b) Grab your passport and leg it for the Eurostar terminal at St. Pancras.

10) The Queen is coming to town to see how the other half (more like 99.9%) lives. Your house is chosen for a visit. Do you install a new toilet seat, just in case?
a) Of course, in leopard skin as well.
b) No. If your bog seat is good enough for you, then it's good enough for her maj.

Results:

Mainly a. Stop tugging your forelock and get off your knees, you obsequious brown-noser.

Even split between a and b. You're obviously wondering if these people deserve our devotion but aren't quite sure yet.

Mainly b. You're a republican scumbag, and are at risk of arrest for calling for the removal of the monarchy. Keep at it. Our day will come.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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