Sleep-Deprived Americans Push to Increase Snooze Button Window to Twelve Minutes

Written by Chrissy Benson

Monday, 11 November 2019

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Short on Zs, sleepy Americans are advocating for a snooze-button increase into the double-digits.

Long on stress and short on Zs, many sleep-deprived Americans are pushing to expand the standard snooze button window on alarm clocks from nine minutes to 12 minutes, to allow for a full one-third boost in rest time.

"I don't think it's asking too much," said a yawning Jesse Holliston of Nashville, Tennessee. "Let's at least get it into the double digits, for heck's sake. Hashtag SUPERSLEEPY!"

Comedian Gary Gulman, whose “Waking Up for Work” bit poked fun at the nine-minute snooze window, spoke out strongly in favor of the increase. “Too many people’s dreams have been cut short, thanks to the nine-minute snooze button," he said. "Let's let people dream just a little longer - three minutes longer, at the very least."

And many experts, too, claim that increasing snooze time makes sense. “A great deal of additional cellular regeneration can be accomplished in three minutes,” said molecular biologist Dr. Anders Chase. “It’s just a matter of using that time wisely.”

Not everyone, however, is on board with the proposed 12-minute snooze window; United States President Donald Trump stated that he himself does not intend to avail himself of a 12-minute snooze window, should such an option become available.

“I’m not going to try to talk anyone else out of it,” said Trump. “But losing those three minutes of Twitter time would mean depriving the public of a dozen or so quality Tweets every day. I owe the American people more than that."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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