We "heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend who, heard it from a friend" that GanjaScope℠ is President Trump's "favorite read." That's what friend #1 (initials IT) told us. Friend #2 (initials KC) reports that "Donald has someone read [GanjaScope℠] to him as soon as it's posted." Friend #3 (initials SB, an ex-friend, actually) was ceremoniously dumped by the White House for telling reporters that "the president bases most of his policy decisions on that shit."
GanjaScope℠ is proud and humbled and slightly tumescent, therefore, to present the latest reiteration of the GanjaScope℠, astrological projections to Make America Great Again.
Aquarius (1/20 - 2/18): Our fates are often influenced by the people with whom we share a sign. Your dominant sign buddies are Mozart and President Ronald Reagan. This explains why, even though you love music, you can't remember the words to any songs. Warning: unless you change the password on your BudFinder app, oh shit, too late. My bad.
Pisces (2/19 - 3/20): A weekend field trip with the Timothy Leary Mycophile Society is followed by a mushrooming panic attack. You wind up in an emergency room where all the other patients look like Adam Sandler characters. Spoiler alert: the unexamined mushroom is not worth eating.
Aries (3/21 - 4/19): If you have that last, but unnecessary, hit of Hell's OG before going to bed, you will dream that you are trapped in a 22-Plex Cinema whose only feature is "Rambo: Last Blood," preceded by trailers for every movie Stallone ever made.
Taurus (4/20 - 5/20): Suddenly the things that turn you on, turn on you. You go for a drive to clear your head, but nearly drive into a tree when you notice the following sticker: “Objects seen in the rear view mirror may not necessarily be real.” Observe the speed limit presicely, and resist the temptation to think of yourself in the third person.
Gemini (5/21 - 6/21): Geminis who smoke too much pot suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you need to get away from yourself, here's a tip: people who don't like themselves often find happiness when they become somebody else. Customer service operators on the Dark Web are ready to assist in this transformation.
Cancer (6/22 - 7/22): Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet BongRip in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Think large, live large, and—as Lane Bryant and Oprah are my judges—large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
Leo (7/23 - 8/22): Your fondness for irony mutates into a full-blown paradoxical reaction to life. Dandruff shampoo turns you into a blizzard with feet. Cough medication makes you hack and splutter like a flooded outboard motor. Deodorant produces a rancid, road-kill aroma about your personal zones. I'd lay off the Beano, contraceptive devices, and hemorrhoid preparations, if I were you.
Virgo (8/23 - 9/22): Virgos are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues. Bring these portions to bear on the current run-on-sentence condition that characterizes your burnt-out-roach of a life.
Libra (9/23 - 10/23): Headaches can be caused by an excessive number of insufferably cute magnets on the refrigerator door. Leftover issues will overwhelm the new year before it's even out of diapers unless you take control of your environment. A house is not a home just because it's cluttered. One person's trash is another person's treasure only if one of them is homeless.
Scorpio (10/24 - 11/21): The oracles at High Times, Dope, and the Reader's Digest suggest that any major decisions you make in the near term be guided by the following maxim: Half a joint is better than none only when the sum of the hypotenuse is greater than, or equal to, the hexadecimal value of burnt orange.
Sagittarius (11/22 - 12/21): You poke fun at a mime, who replaces your shadow with a copy of his. After several embarrassing lunchtime incidents and a near-arrest on obscenity charges, you begin going out only at night. This is a dreadful inconvenience, but it does solve that problem you were having with wet birds during the daytime.
Capricorn (12/22 - 1/19): The inclination to be status conscious and inhibited are so Capricorn, that you rarely stop to ask yourself why you are hyper-cautious. Why do you get caught with your pants up while everyone else is skinny dipping in the communal hot tub? Why do you have to march to the beat of a metronome?