Desperate FDA Classifies Anxiety as Exercise

Written by Chrissy Benson

Saturday, 9 November 2019

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Anxious Americans can now take some relief in knowing that at least they're getting their exercise.

Desperate to counter skyrocketing rates of mental illness and plummeting rates of physical activity, the Food and Drug Association has officially classified anxiety as exercise.

"It really does get the heart rate up at times," said FDA Commissioner Ned Sharpless. "And it's something Americans can easily incorporate into their daily lives. Many of them already do."

Sharpless noted that while physical activity has been shown to be extremely effective in combating anxiety and depression, most Americans, due to the intensive demands of social media and Netflix, simply don't have the time to work up an actual sweat. Given that many people feel guilty and anxious about being overly sedentary, categorizing anxiety as exercise can help alleviate people's shame-induced anxiety about their couch-potato lifestyles.

"Kind of a 'two birds with one stone' approach," said Sharpless. "It also taps into people's obsession with multitasking, since they can do both at once."

The FDA's new approach seems to be working; thanks to the reclassification of anxiety as exercise, exercise rates among Americans are now at an all-time high.

"And we expect them to continue to increase," sad Sharpless, noting that due to global warming, people are also likely to be sweating more and more in the years to come.

"But don't stop taking your medication," he cautioned consumers. "That's probably the most important thing any of us can do for the economy in these troubled times."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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