General Anesthesia Recommended for Majority of American Population

Written by Chrissy Benson

Wednesday, 2 October 2019

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Generally anesthetizing the population will save on costs and medical error, says the FDA.

With over half of Americans regularly taking at least one prescription medication for either physical or psychological ailments or both, the Food and Drug Administration has recommended that the majority of the population simply be put under general anesthesia.

"Juggling multiple prescription meds gets complicated very quickly, and there's a lot of room for error," stated FDA Commissioner Norman Sharpless. "It makes more sense logistically and financially to have everyone sedated by a professional."

While some have opposed the FDA recommendation, claiming that  generally anesthetizing most Americans would hinder efficiency and put a damper on the economy, Sharpless insisted that long-term gains will more than compensate for any short-term losses.

"Many people are having a very tough time right now, clenching their fists and just trying to make it through," he said. "This way, we can just wake them up when it's over."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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