Women Likely to Overestimate Existence of Relationship Based on Superfluous Factors Like Words

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Friday, 11 October 2019

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Unlike women, men are able to verify, with accuracy and flexibility, whether they are in a committed relationship.

A groundbreaking new report from the Social Media Intimacy Foundation revealed that women are highly prone to overestimate the existence of a romantic relationship based on superfluous factors like words.

"Our first clue was when fifty-one percent of female millennials reported having a committed romantic partner, compared to only eighteen percent of male millennials," said SMIF Director-in-Chief Nelson Hemingway. "We realized, right then, some people had to be wrong about whether they were in an actual relationship."

It was the women who were dead wrong, SMIF ultimately determined. Based on extensive interviews with individual subjects, SMIF found that women are likely to erroneously assume the existence of a committed relationship based on wholly irrelevant factors like expressions of love, promises not to date other people, and discussions of marriage and/or having children together.

"It's tough to understand how these women could be jumping to such unsubstantiated conclusions, " said Hemingway, "but we saw it happen time and time again."

By contrast, the males were able to definitively, and with impeccable accuracy, predict what their relationship status truly was, and they were able to do so adaptably and flexibly, taking into account circumstances and other in-the-moment sensory information.

While some have criticized the SMIF study, calling it blatantly sexist and disrespectful to women, Hemingway took issue with that assessment.

"The numbers never lie," he said. "We're just telling it like it is. It's not our fault that a lot of women seem to need a total reality check."

He added, "Hopefully this information will empower them to self-actualize or something. We believe in you, ladies! We really do."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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