Dear Cynical Sam: An Advice Column

Written by SamIAm

Monday, 23 September 2019

image for Dear Cynical Sam: An Advice Column
What the hell do you want?

The following are letters from Cynical Sam's readers. Both of them.

Dear Cynical Sam,

This is the seventh letter I've written you about this, and you have never answered. So here I go again.

My husband Harold and I went for a drive three months ago out on a country road. It was quite dark, no streetlights, no moon. We both saw flashing lights in the sky that danced around each other faster than anything I have ever seen. Then it was simply gone. Do you think it could have been real UFO's? Do you think maybe Harold and I have been chosen to be the mediators between aliens and humans? It's very important that you answer.

Signed, Close Encounter In Nebraska


Dear Close,

I feel so terrible! Just let me put down this tear-stained letter from an abused woman and answer your vital UFO question!

Sometimes in life there are no explanations. For example . . .


Dear Cynical Sam,

I have a friend who claims to suffer from clinical depression. She says she has no control over it. I think she does. Everyone gets depressed, I think she just needs to get over it and look at the bright side of her problem, but she's too lazy and likes the attention. What can I say to her that can make her stop being such a negative baby?

Signed, Bright Side of San Diego


Dear Bright Side,

I suffer from clinical depression and you're right. There is a positive side to everything. Even depression. For example, when I'm depressed I feel so bad about things that I look down at my feet a lot when I'm out and about, so I tend to find more change than usual. So you're right. There's that, and there's also- Look, Bright Side. Just go to hell.


Dear Cynical Sam,

I'm in love for the first time! She takes my breath away! I can't live without her! Have you ever felt like this, Sam?! I'm in loooove!!!!!

Signed, In Love In Lovington


Dear Dumbass,

First, I'll say this: Exclamation points are like a kick in the balls. Once is more than enough, and never is usually better, But, yes. I have felt that way about a woman. I knew a woman that every time I saw her she took my breath away. She took it away to the point I thought I'd die. Then, at the last second, she'd take the pillow off my face.

You're fucked.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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