Children Are Happier Watching Fox News, Reports Fox News

Written by Chrissy Benson

Thursday, 26 September 2019

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Unlike other more irresponsible news networks, Fox reassures kids that they and the planet are going to be just fine.

Railing against the fearmongering to which climate scientists and reporters are subjecting youth regarding the fate of the planet, Fox News has reported that children are significantly happier overall watching climate-change-denying Fox News.

"It's irresponsible of scientists and newscasters to frighten minor children by telling them that the existence of humanity on the planet is at risk due to global warming,"  said Fox News writer Maxim Lott. "We reassure kids not to worry, we'll figure it out. We always have, and we always will."

He added, "Not that there's even anything to figure out. We're fine."

President Donald Trump, too, has noted that many young climate activists, like 16-year-old Swedish activist Greta Thunberg, seem anxious and not very well-adjusted. "I wish her a bright future, but honestly I have my doubts," said Trump.

Generally speaking, Fox News recommends exposing children under the age of 12 to at least one hour of environmentally-reassuring Fox News per day, and a minimum of 90 minutes for teens.

"Scientists may not care about the emotional well-being of our youth," said Lott, "but we do. Take it from us, kids - we've got your backs. It's going to be all right."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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