Illinois farmer Jake ("Boss") Hogg was out walking his dogs early Monday morning, when he made a startling discovery.
"It was awful quiet in the paddock. I couldn't see my hogs anywhere, so I walked the dogs around the perimeter of the fence. On the far side, where you can't really see it from the house, I found that the fence wires had been cut. And, not teen feet away, I spotted what seemed to me like human skeletal remains, along with a pair of Crocs, a hemp dress, and a crystal-beaded necklace -- oh, and a pair of linesman's pliers."
"Now, I've heard of tree-hugging vegan PETA freaks cutting fences to let the animals run free, but I never thought they'd target my farm. You see, I don't run no large scale factory operation; I just raise a few dozen hogs a year, mainly for my brother-in-law's restaurant. He swears that free range pork is the best, and what with the ways he cooks it, I can't argue."
"Anyways, the local sheriff has already conducted his investigation, and I'm sure my hogs will come back just as soon as they get hungry. I don't imagine that'll take long -- there ain't much meat on them vegan hippie types."