E.T. the Extraterrestrial, the star of the 1982 movie of the same name, has said that he is just about sick and tired of messing around with the imbeciles on Earth, and is now ready to take over the running of the planet from his home at Area 51.
Speaking from underneath a hoodie, E.T., who has not aged a single day since he was first seen on Earth almost four decades ago, said:
"I'm fed up of waiting for mush-brained earthlings to catch up enough to be able to understand things in a way my own interstellar brain can."
E.T. then went on to list the various problems on Earth that he feels it would take him mere minutes to resolve. Amongst them, capital.
"Get rid of it," said the alien. "It's the single most intimidating factor about human society. When I take over, money's gone. You'll be able to keep it as a memento, but that's all it'll be, because everything is going to be free. No money, no business deals, no 'trade', no wealth divisions. Industry will still happen, but nothing will be used to pay for it. You won't need money, because shops will not accept it. I will close all banks and financial institutions. There'll be no need for them. Remember, dopey? No money!"
On the tetchy subject of war, E.T. said:
"Wars won't be fought. You've been fighting wars for thousands of years, without an obvious end in sight, so I'm stopping all warfare. Wars are generally fought to line the pockets of armaments manufacturers, but, as there is going to be no more 'trade', these weapons companies will cease to exist. If you want to kill someone, you'll have to do it with your bare hands, although, if you do, I'll zap your brain out. I think, overall, we'll see a reduction in worldwide hostilities."
On national boundaries, he said:
"What are boundaries? Land is land, and it even runs underneath the sea. Nobody owns it, and nobody is going to control it, or order anyone else to a different part of it. As Duran Duran sang just before I arrived here, "This is Planet Earth!" There will be no boundaries; there will be no 'countries'; there will be no divisions of any kind. There will not even be any perceived distinctions of any type whatsoever. They are not good. I will not allow them."
E.T. also spoke about world poverty, and contrasted this with affluence.
"Forget those!" he said. "With the scrapping of 'money', they are history. Everyone will work for the common good of humanity. All will have jobs; nobody will get paid; all food, homes, household items, furniture, clothes, cars, and so on will be produced, and will be free. Health care and medicines will be freely available at no cost. You pay through your work, and you always receive good value. Nobody will want for anything."
"Unless that Trump fella gets in again!" he laughed. "Then, anything could happen!"
At the White House, the president giggled.