New York and the Truth About the Mueller Report. “It’s Up To YOU New York…”

Funny story written by Steven W. Rouach

Sunday, 2 June 2019

image for New York and the Truth About the Mueller Report. “It’s Up To YOU New York…”
“You have the right to remain silent but we understand that you medically can’t".

Ah, Robert Mueller.

Up until now, he’s been the focus of many as “a savior”. Hardworking and diligent, a believer in justice with no desire for fame or fortune and who, up until recently, never said a word about his investigation.

Here’s what happened…

For over two years, Mr. Mueller and “Team Mueller” have been working seven days a week* compiling information and evidence.
*(Eight Days A Week in Beatle-Time).

They took their findings and brought them to William “No Holds” Barr, Trump’s choice for Attorney General. (Tee hee!)

Some think Trump chose Barr due to a lovely unsolicited 20-PAGE MEMO that Barr sent Trump, where Barr waxed poetic about how presidents can’t be indicted, and should have absolute power, and shouldn’t be investigated, (and should mostly play golf and hurt the poor). Meanwhile, others think Trump chose Barr just because he’s the ONLY one who sent a 20-page “you can do whatever you want with zero consequences no matter how disturbing and illegal” unsolicited note (and if others had maniacally sent such an insane memo, Trump might have chosen one of them).

The debate rages on.

Now, FOR CLARITY, William Barr is a guy who writes nutty 20-page memos about how Trump should

  • never be investigated,
  • never be indicted,
  • or ever suffer any consequences for his actions.

So, Mueller not really pressing Barr to indict Trump… kind of makes sense.

According to his OWN amazing memo, William P. Barr would never, under any circumstances, not side with Trump.

For example:

If Mueller’s report said that Trump ate the contents of an entire van filled with 612 human babies, devouring them alive one by one, William Barr would say — “Good for him! They’re probably filled with protein!”

If JESUS came back SPECIFICALLY to ask William Barr to thwart Trump, Barr would say “Good try, Jesus! But we both know I’m going straight to hell, so I really have no stick in what you’re asking".

Barr released this condensed version of the report:

Trump is great! No problems at all! Totally cool, he gives top-secret intel to Russia, uses unsecured phones, parrots Russia’s GRU talking points, owns a building where secret meetings occurred with Russian spies and his campaign chairman and two close relatives, one of whom he gave security clearance to, despite the protestations of all known security. — Everything is hunky dory! I like pie! Now I’m going to disparage the entire FBI due to their nasty insistence on Investigating Federal things (despite those words being most of their name)”
— William P. Barr*
*(the “P” stands for “Phantom Of The Opera!”)

Inspiring words, indeed.

Gosh, I plan to just flee the country… America’s just no FUN anymore… (unless you’re a crazed racist, then it’s a GAS and a “golden age” for horrible people).

For everyone else, fear not. Mueller set a trap.

See, we have something in N.Y. called “the Southern District”, which is known for its charming drawl, and friendliness, and good old-fashioned down-home cooking!

They say things like “You-all come on back now, you hear?” and “Golly!” and “Belle of the ball!” which differentiates them from the Northern, Western and Eastern N.Y. districts, where we mostly say “Get out of my way!!”, and “I’ll punch you in the heart, you f****n animal!” and “Hey, there’s Pizza Rat, the giant rat that steals entire slices of pizza on the NY subway! Let’s get his autograph!”

Besides its country rustic charms, the Southern District of NY does CRIME stuff too! They love investigating things and charging people with crimes they blatantly commit. And it seems they’re totally into investigating Donald J. Trump, (or, as he now prefers to be called by his Rap Music nickname,— DJ Hair Disaster Emergency Omelette Bar Dotardius III ).

New York’s Southern District now cares only about three things.

  1. Grits!
  2. Mint Juleps,
  3. and looking into Trump’s many, many, many, many, crimes.

I spoke with someone from the Southern District who asked not to be named, so I belligerently named him Heywood U. Cuddleme.

Me: What are your views on Donald Trump?

Heywood U. Cuddleme: “That man is talking with his tongue out of his shoe!”

Sobering thoughts, indeed.

This is why, as a New Yorker, I instinctively KNEW that starting a fake charity and using that money to buy things like portraits of myself, (or, more realistically, every existing copy of “Pet Sounds” on vinyl), would get me in trouble with NY’s Southern District, and they’d stop their square-dancing AND line-dancing in order to investigate me!

That’s just one reason why I don’t start fake charities. The other is that I’m not a horrible, psychotic, monster.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!

Comedy spoof news topics
Go to top
readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more