London, UK - (Offside Mess): Mighty property mogul Donald J Trump failed miserably in an attempted 2014 ‘compulsory purchase’ plan to take over a top flight UK Premier League club, a former linesman said today.
The scam started with a fake bankers draft in his Turdberry Golf Course purchase, drawn on Ayrshire’s mysterious - and bankrupt - Bonnie Prince Charlie Sperm Deposit Bank.
“Trump was quickly rumbled,” the ex-linesman explained as he recalled the escalation of suspicions about Trump’s supporting ‘Lordship of the Manor’ claims to a lucrative stretch of North London whose ancient manorial football kicking rights are enshrined in Royal Charter.
From none other than Good Queen Cess - uh, Bess - herself.
Of course that land-grab also failed with Royal Caughts of Justice judges describing the lawsuit as a ‘pile of stinking garbage’ - copied and pasted from a Thiefa - football’s international governing body - website.
Those sprawling North London acres now showcase what’s probably the world’s finest footie stadium.
“Someone somewhere has all the documentation proving Trump a brazen liar,” the former linesman added, “just in case Robert Mueller still needs a helping hand.”