LUNDUN, Merry Old England -- District Judge Katie Bar'Dor declared soccer has-been Dave Beck-Hamm a “menace to the road” and prohibited him from driving for six months after the athlete was spied talking on a mobile phone while driving his Bentley.
“Talking on a mobile phone while mobile is against the law,” the judge reminded the soccer player before passing judgment on him.
“Especially egregious,” said the judge, “is the fact that the defendant was trying to renew his contract with Manchester Knighted, despite his abysmal performance for the team these past few years, as if anyone in Britain, or the United Kingdom, for that matter, cares to see him play.”
Beck-Hamm, she added, is “lucky” she didn't suspend his driver's license for a year.
According to the athlete's attorney, his client had “no recollection” that he committed the act of which he was accused or even of driving his automobile.
“Are you saying your defendant was drunk at the time or that he is demented?” the judge asked.
The attorney said, “I'm not a medical doctor, so I couldn't say.”
Beck-Hamm also has a history of speeding.
“Do you think the laws of the Kingdom do not apply to you, Mr Beck-Hamm?” Bar'Dor demanded.
“Don't answer that!” he attorney advised.
“My name is Dave Beck-Hamm,” the soccer star replied. “I was born on the second of May, 1975. My phone number is 020-5555-0007; call me!”