Following issuance of a dire United Nations climate report stating that, unless drastic measures are taken, up to 1 million plant and animal species are at risk of extinction within our lifetime, United States President Donald Trump, while continuing to publicly deny that the threat posed by global warming is real, issued an executive order placing himself on the endangered species list.
"Just a standard security measure," said Trump, shrugging off suggestions that the move implied that he himself fears climate-caused extinction. "No big deal. It's something that should have happened a long time ago, but I'm just now getting around to it."
Trump added that, due to the extended partial government shutdown in 2018, certain administrative tasks, like his addition to the endangered species list, had fallen by the wayside. "Just dotting my Ts and crossing my Is," he said. "People don't realize how much paperwork is involved in being president. Lotta busy work, to be honest."
As a "critically endangered" species, Trump will now be entitled to certain protections, including a total ban on hunting and/or assassination, as well as the construction of a comprehensive, weather-proof, radiation-proof, underground sanctuary in the northernmost U.S. state of Alaska.
"Never let it be said I'm not an environmentalist," boasted Trump. "Conservation is everything to me."