Forklift Driver Glad He Can Finally Go Home On Friday And "Not Stop" After 5 Beers

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 16 March 2019

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IA. Feeling delightful and giddy on Friday, March 8th, Tom Matthews, 27, was glad that he could finally go home and not stop drinking after only 5 beers.

Upon surviving a long, horrifying, and seemingly endless stretch of torture lasting from Sunday to Thursday, the forklift driver at Bob's Lumber, Inc. was more than relieved that he could let his profound alcoholism run wild for at least 48 hours before the excruciating and horrendous reality of only being able to have 5 beers per night would rear its ugly head, once again, on Sunday evening.

The unfathomable agony experienced by the young man (lasting all the way from March 3rd to March 7th) had left supervisors, managers, and corporate visitors feeling completely helpless.

Unable to empathize or even 'truly' understand the desperate and 'grinding struggle' that was taking place, those around him (including family and friends) were only able to offer thoughts and prayers while sincerely hoping that Mr. Matthews would eventually be able to go past drinking only 5 cans of Old Milwaukee Beer on Friday, feel like "himself" again, throw darts poorly at a local bar, get into a fist-fight, cheat on his girlfriend, and have no recollection of his thoughts or actions on Saturday morning.

When Tom actually achieved all of those things over the weekend, he received numerous 'Congratulations' cards from neighbors, co-workers, and even some of the members of the Episcopalian Church just down the street from where he lives.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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