Written by Wesley Janson

Monday, 4 March 2019

image for Weightlifter Drops Dumbbell On His Face Due To Severe Depression While Song, "Dust In The Wind," Plays In The Background

Wisconsin. On the morning of Tuesday, February 26th, local Prairie du Chien resident, Tom Smith, 39, dropped a 50-pound dumbbell on his face while doing heavy incline presses at a gym several blocks down the street from where he lives.

Feeling intensely vigorous and highly motivated at 9:00 am, Tom went to the fitness center with the full intention of building his body up with squats, calf raises, military presses, wide-grip chin-ups, bicep curls, overhead tricep extensions, push-ups, sit-ups, jumping jacks, pilates, and various Buddhist-type forms of yoga, only to lose motivation completely when the 1977 hit, "Dust in the Wind" by the rock band, Kansas, played on the stereo system.

With heroes like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stallone, Dolph Lundgren, and Jean-Claude Van Damme in the back of his mind, Tom really wanted to tear everything up like the 'royal monstrous beast' that he is, before the lyrics of the song compromised his desire to keep living.

At precisely 10:30 am, the stereo system in the fitness center loudly blasted the words: "I close my eyes...Only for a moment, then the moment's gone...All my dreams...Pass before my eyes, a curiosity...
Dust in the wind...All we are is dust in the wind...
"

After contemplating the actual meaning of what the rock band was trying to say, Mr. Smith abandoned his resolve, became horribly sad, and lost grip of the 50-pound dumbbell that he was holding in his left arm.

Although he wasn't severely injured when it landed directly on his face, Tom struggled to do some running on the treadmill only to become further deprived of will power when Celine Dion's Titanic hit, "My Heart Will Go On" penetrated the room with noise as he was 5 minutes through his cool-down routine.

Taylor Dayne's "I'll Always Love You," Patrick Swayze's "She's Like The Wind," and Lee Ann Womack's "I Hope You Dance" played in his car as he was driving home, and Sheryl Crow's "I Would Have Given You All Of My Heart" was on the radio that he had accidentally left on in his kitchen.

Feeling tormented and depressed, Tom then put himself in a better mood by watching the movie, Forrest Gump, while constantly playing Edwin McCain's "I'll Be Your Crying Shoulder" on his Laptop, and his unending state of soul-crushing loneliness and irreversibly hopeless despair was resolved the next morning when he turned on his TV just in time to see Sarah Connor make wild, uncontrollable, passionate love to Kyle Reese in the first Terminator movie.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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