Inmate Throws "Poop Hammer" At Cell Extraction Team

Written by Wesley Janson

Thursday, 14 March 2019

image for Inmate Throws "Poop Hammer" At Cell Extraction Team

Central Wisconsin. William Kain Spud, a 35-year-old inmate at the medium-security Belton Correctional Facility, fashioned a 7.5 inch hammer out of his own feces and then used it as a weapon against correctional officers last Thursday, March 7th.

Spud, who was serving time in solitary confinement for masturbating ferociously in the recreational building the previous week, formed the hammer (complete with a highly-detailed head) out of a rather large dump that he had taken in the corner of his cell earlier that morning.

Lieutenant Thomas Lane stated that a "5-Man Cell Extraction Team" was assembled at 1:15 pm because the inmate was trying to chew his own fingers off while refusing to take his daily medication.

When the door was opened, Spud hurled his fecal tool directly at Officer Alan Johnson, the lead member of the team and the first man to enter the cell. Because it had not yet fully hardened, the somewhat moist and fragile "poop hammer" broke apart on Johnson's face shield before several chunks flew off and splattered on the surrounding walls.

Once the inmate was subdued and taken to another building, Officer Greg Smith, who was directly behind Johnson, was rather unhappy to find out that a few pieces of "the hammer" had landed on his neck and right shoulder.

While searching the cell and looking underneath the cot, officers also discovered an entire 'fecal chess set' (complete with kings, queens, and pawns) that had been constructed by Spud the evening before.

After having what he described as a 'long' and 'shitty' day, Warden Scott Ryan kept his comments brief.

"The safety of our officers is always top priority," he stated.

"And that's the only point I need to 'hammer home' this evening," he added.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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