Trump Advises Netanyahu on Avoiding Prison

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Thursday, 7 March 2019

Benjamin Netanyahu, Israel's Prime Minister, faces a possible trial on charges of bribery, fraud and corruption after his attorney general announced that he would file for an indictment. Seeking advice from someone who's been there, he reached out to his old friend, President Donald Trump. The phone conversation below was intercepted by Iranian intelligence officers and released through Wikileaks to The Spoof yesterday.

Benjamin: Hello, Don. Let's skip the formalities. I need your help.

Donald: I think I know why. But first, I need to know if you have the power of pardon.

Benjamin: Unfortunately, I don't. Only President Rivlin has that. I know you have it, but you seem to have messed up your chance at using it. Most of your guys have already flipped on you.

Donald: Well, not quite all. Roger Stone's still loyal and a few of my attorneys might fib a little knowing that I can keep them out of jail.

Benjamin: Well, it looks bad. What can I do without the power of pardon?

Donald: Don't bother denying everything, Instead, claim that this is a witch hunt.

Benjamin: We don't have witch hunts in Israel. That happens only in a Christian nation. That's not us.

Donald: Then claim it's all political. A scheme by your opposition parties to force you out of office on a trumped-up charge. No pun intended.

Benjamin: I've already said that.

Donald: Then fire the attorney general. Hell, I've fired two of them myself, along with the head of the FBI.

Benjamin: I can't fire him. Only the president can do that, and he won't since he'd be happy to see me go to jail.

Donald: I understand the investigation has gone on for about two years, the same as the one against me here. I'd make a big point about this waste of government time and money.

Benjamin: I did that for two years, pointing out that the attorney general apparently couldn't find one bit of evidence of corruption. Now he seems to have found something.

Donald: That's it. Make fun of what he seems to have against you. No one ever went to jail for something as minor as that. Yet he wants to bring down one of the world's most noted leaders.

Benjamin: Got any other ideas?

Donald: You need a catchy slogan to deride their attacks on you. Something like "collusion delusion." I've got a lot of mileage out of that one. How about "corruption disruption?"

Benjamin: I like that. Maybe I can come up with some other clever ones.

Donald: Let's go back to the pardon idea. Will this Rivlin guy give you a pardon?

Benjamin: I haven't raised that issue with him. On the contrary, I just criticized him for not pardoning an Israeli soldier who killed an incapacitated Palestinian.

Donald: Can Rivlin get re-elected without your support? He might be persuaded to pardon you if you tell him you'll throw your weight behind him.

Benjamin: But I haven't even been indicted yet.

Donald: Doesn't matter. Do a Gerald Ford type pardon, like when he pardoned Nixon for any and all crimes he might have committed should he be indicted. That's pretty all-encompassing.

Benjamin: I don't know. A pardon is almost a sign of guilt. I'd have to live with that forever.

Donald. So did Nixon,and it didn't seem to bother him. Why don't you threaten to resign?

Benjamin: That wouldn't be a threat. Half the country would be happy to see me step down.

Donald: It would be more than half the people cheering here if I quit.

Benjamin: Aren't you afraid of what will happen when the investigation of you is complete?

Donald: No. First, they can't indict a sitting president. They can only impeach me. But they'll never get a conviction because my party still controls the senate. They're stuck with me for two more years.

Benjamin: I wish I had that security. Thanks, anyway, Don, for trying to help.

Donald: Good luck, Benny. I'll do what I can to help. Oh, there's one last possibility. Have you considered launching a war on Iran? Unity in the face of a foreign threat almost always works. If the investigation against me turns really sour, I can always take out the North Korean nuclear sites. Maybe we can strike them simultaneously. Give that some thought, Bye, for now. I love you, buddy.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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