Written by Wesley Janson

Thursday, 7 February 2019

image for Insecure, Manipulative, Vicious, Bossy, Emotionally-Unstable Correctional Officer Reaches '10 Year Work Anniversary'

Minnesota. Lisa Degner, 32, reached her '10 Year Work Anniversary' as an officer at the Olsen Correctional Facility last Monday.

Lisa, who is well-known by her fellow correctional officers for being manipulative, bossy, incompetent, cruel, and explosive, has spent the past 10 years continually bringing her own personal problems and insecurities into a dangerous environment that requires patience, discretion, good judgment, and sound decision-making.

Although Ms. Degner has a host of major personality disorders that have never been properly diagnosed, she passed her DOC Academy training in 2009, and she has been needlessly bossing around and mistreating both inmates and officers ever since.

"Her lifelong mission to control and abuse other people seems to be going very well," 2nd Shift Captain, Jonathan Craig, said during an interview.

"Not only does she pick on inmates who are doing nothing wrong, but she also screams at her fellow correctional officers whenever she has a disagreement with one of them," he added.

Finding themselves utterly baffled that her relentless temper, her impatience, her back-stabbing, her excessive need to boss men around, and her complete inability to work with inmates (and people in general) have not caused a horrifying prison riot yet, several lieutenants on both the 1st and 2nd shifts have desperately, and unsuccessfully, looked for ways to have her permanently removed from state service.

Because Corrections has traditionally been seen as a 'male-dominated' field for so long, however, Lisa can simply (and falsely) claim that she is a woman who is being "mistreated, harassed, and intimidated" by her male co-workers, which would bring on a massive state investigation as well as legal problems that everyone, including the warden, simply can't afford to deal with.

"This basically allows her to keep coming to work, pushing around inmates who are simply minding their own business, and arguing with other officers so fiercely that they simply give in," 3rd Shift Captain, Mike Lansky, stated. "She has also driven many new correctional officers out of their jobs because they simply can't stand being around her," he added.

"I hope somebody accidentally runs her over with a semi truck," confessed Sergeant Amy Woodworth, who recently found out that Lisa has been sleeping with her husband.

"She really is nothing more than a goddamn worthless sack of shit," stated Pastor Bob White, who offers his free time during the week to visit the facility in order to spiritually counsel inmates. "She's also fucking stupid," he added.

Reporters caught up with Lisa, who claimed that she wants to use her professional experience in Corrections to eventually become a police officer, so that she can serve and protect her local community.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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