Tom Norton, 48, of La Crosse, Wisconsin, experimented with the idea of going "organic" last week, after promising himself that he would let go of Walmart-purchased pot pies, microwavable spaghetti dinners, corned beef hash, processed cheese curds, hamburger helper, ramen noodles, Hormel Chili, and Tina's 'homemade' burritos.
While preparing himself for broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, oatmeal, organic beans, and kosher, gluten-free tofu, Tom wandered around nervously in a nearby, 'natural foods' supermarket as he looked at fresh fruit, vegetables, and green peppers.
When the cute girl behind the cashiers counter said "Hi" to him, Mr. Norton became incredibly startled with thoughts of running away immediately.
With a deep, internal voice telling him to remain brave and proceed forth with his goals, Tom decided to stay.
After greeting him warmly and showing him around, the cute girl explained to him that organic food is not only healthy and inexpensive, but that it would also keep him alive longer.
She then gently guided him to the upper-floor restaurant and placed him at a table with a menu where he had the options of ordering a 20-dollar salad, a 10-dollar bowl of soup, or both for 50 dollars with a complimentary piece of bread.
Already completely out of his element, Tom heard the couple at the table next to him have the following conversation:
Matthew: "Oh Margaret, isn't it so incredibly fabulous that we are eating organic food and being healthy together?"
Margaret: "Oh Matthew, yes it is so incredibly fabulous! Let's go jogging, read some books, and make love later on tonight."
Matthew: "Oh, Margaret!"
Margaret: "Oh, Matthew!"
Completely disgusted with what he had just heard, soft and dreary 1980s music then began playing in the background. After listening to "West End Girls" by the Pet Shop Boys followed by the late George Michael's "Careless Whisper," Mr. Norton bolted out of the restaurant as fast as he could, fell down the stairs, got back up, and desperately looked for the nearest exit.
Kenny G music started playing as he got in his Buick Skylark and 'burned rubber' going down the street.
Exhausted yet deeply relieved when he got back home, Tom promised all of the cheap and processed food in his cupboards that he would never cheat on them again.
He also looked at his 3 cartons of non-filtered Pall Mall Cigarettes and his 30-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer, and pledged his undying loyalty.