Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 9 February 2019

image for Concerned Wisconsin Resident Determined To End 'Abusive' Company Strategy Of Selling Shitty, Expired Beer To People Who Live In The Midwest

Crawford County. After consuming two bottles of cheap wine and some tequila, smoking 3 packs of Marlboro Reds, and then relentlessly draining 28 cans of 'Natural Ice' beer, local resident, Brad Harvell, fell down on the front doorstep of his house before proceeding to tell reporters that he "knows what's going on" and is "determined to put a stop to it."

After the news team helped the 45-year-old bachelor get back on his feet, Mr. Harvell angrily stated that 'business assholes' are selling expired beer to people who live in the Midwest.

When asked to provide solid evidence to support his claim that beverage companies were making profits off of beer that should have been thrown away after expiring, Brad stumbled around for a few seconds before saying that the Midwest is the heaviest drinking region in the United States, and that Wisconsin is probably Number 1 when it comes to consuming alcohol.

"It makes sense, just think about it," he said to the Moon before reporters helped him focus on the camera again.

"They sell us expired beer because they can still make a profit from it, and they know we are going to drink it anyway. That's why it tastes like shit! It's not because my liver is begging me to sober up," Mr. Harvell claimed.

"Fuckin Bullshit!" he added.

Finding his argument somewhat interesting and potentially valid, Brad was asked further questions, to which he kept responding that he is "a Jedi" and "just knows things."

"I'm going to put an end to this by writing a letter to some congress people," Mr. Harvell said to the garbage bin that was sitting in his driveway, before the news team, once again, helped him focus on the camera.

"Fuckin Bullshit!" he added a second time.

Mr. Harvell then stumbled back into his house, fell down the living room stairs, pissed himself, and threw up all over the place.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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