Written by Wesley Janson

Thursday, 7 February 2019

image for Local Employee Decapitated For Having Too Many Unexcused Absences

St. Paul, Minnesota. The corporate staff at Pete's National Decking Products, a factory that produces household furniture items and outdoor decking material, executed one of their employees last Monday at 12:30 pm.

Thomas Waters, 42, was allowed the weekend to spend precious time with his friends and loved ones, after the decision to end his life had been made in the conference room last Friday at 2:15 pm.

Mr. Waters, 42, had been employed at the factory as an assistant packaging supervisor and forklift driver for the past 15 years. Because he had 6 unexcused absences over the past 8 months due to medical problems, however, it was determined that he should be executed without mercy.

"The Company Handbook clearly states that 'employees who build up more than 5 unexcused absences within a year shall be terminated,'" General Manager, Brad Wilkinson, told reporters. "We thought about changing the sentence to say that '5 unexcused absences shall lead to termination of employment,' but we didn't, so this is how we will continue to handle the issue."

Tom was given the choice of either being set on fire in the company parking lot, crushed inside of the cardboard compactor, or decapitated.

"We thought about sticking a fire hose in his mouth and turning it on full blast," stated Company President, Bill Clemens. "The idea was to force him to drink from it until his face exploded, but that would have been a little bit too disgusting," he added.

Faced with the previous options, Tom chose the most loving and gentle one, which was decapitation.

Shortly after he finished entering his production data on the main computer in the packaging department, Tom was strapped to the operating basket of a Man Lift, which was then manually elevated from the alternative control panel on the right side of the machine.

Mr. Waters screamed and cried desperately as the basket of the Man Lift was elevated toward an extremely large and fast-moving ceiling fan located above the center aisle of the factory. A few seconds later, his lopped-off head flew across the operating lines and landed in a giant bag full of talc powder.

"When people fail to show up at work and complete their duties promptly, the company loses profits, and employee bonuses are cut," CEO Mike Pederson told reporters. "So in a way, unexcused absences hurt all of us," he further stated, as Tom's headless body landed on the floor behind him.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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