Free Gluten for Low-Income Americans

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 12 February 2019

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The USDA expects its new government gluten program to be as effective as its government cheese program of the 1980s.

With a surfeit of gluten on its hands due to a rising demand for gluten-free food products, the United States government recently announced that its Supplemental Nutrition Assistance Program will be offering free gluten to low-income Americans.

"It's a win-win," said Secretary of Agriculture Sonny Perdue. "The government cheese program worked out fabulously back in the day, when government-subsidized dairy production resulted in loads of leftover milk products. People relished those orange blocks of saturated goodness, which nourished countless elderly people and struggling families. We expect our government gluten program to be just as effective."

Not everyone, though, feels so positive about the government gluten program. Self-diagnosed celiac sufferer Meghan Cartwright of Lincoln, Nebraska, says that she'll forgo the free wheat, and continue using her SNAP  benefits to purchase potato chips and gluten-free muffins, because her health is her number-one priority.

"As far as I'm concerned," said Meghan, "the government can take their gluten and shove it."

The USDA hasn't forgotten about folks like Meghan, though, Secretary Perdue hastened to reassure the millions of Americans who believe themselves to be allergic to gluten. "We've partnered with Monsanto to develop a genetic modification that will make wheat gluten-free, and we're happy to report that we're almost there. Keep an eye out for gluten-free gluten - it'll be hitting the shelves soon!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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