Following United States President Donald Trump’s party-chastening failure to secure funding for his long-promised border wall after a 35-day partial government shutdown, Vice President Mike Pence seized upon the president's rare moment of humility and successfully brought Trump to Jesus.
“I’d been waiting for the right time, and this was it,” said Pence, a born-again evangelical Christian. “I can't take credit, of course. All part of God's plan.”
Pence responded rather defensively to facetious remarks from some, more progressive, Christians, who questioned whether Jesus Christ would even want Trump in the fold. “Of course Jesus wanted him," said Pence. “After all, God put him in the White House - and He put me in the White House to bring him to the Lord. Jesus has been waiting for him all this time.”
At the remark, the newly-converted Trump quipped, “It’s true, I kept God waiting! I’d say I'm a pretty important guy."
Following his saving, the president took a moment to offer a reassuring shout-out to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, with whom his relations have grown rocky in recent months, as a result of Israel's displeasure with Trump's decision to pull U.S. troops out of Syria.
"Christian or not, I still love Israel," affirmed Trump. "Jesus was Jewish, you know."