Written by Wesley Janson

Friday, 1 February 2019

image for New Floor Cleaning Machine With 12-Inch, Debris-Expelling Chute Leaves Factory Workers Extremely Pissed Off

Michigan. Employees at Woodland National Decking Products were incredibly aggravated last Monday after the company tested out a newly-purchased, industrial 'floor cleaning machine' with a foot-long chute for expelling debris.

As a heavily-inspected factory that produces furniture products as well as outdoor decking material, the company was in desperate need of finding an updated and improved device for safely and effectively keeping the main isles and walkways clean.

Because the previous floor sweeping machine had broken down from years of excessive use, the maintenance department decided to order a much faster, and more powerful version, early in January.

The new device, which is equipped with a debris-expelling chute instead of a hopper that collects waste material, operates much like a snow blower. Once the key is turned, and the front lever is pushed down, the circular brush on the bottom right side of the machine spins incredibly fast, and collects dust that is immediately spewed out through the metal chute on the left side.

Production Custodian, Walter Smith, experimented with the floor sweeper at 1:30pm. As he went down the main aisle of the factory, the machine successfully sprayed sawdust, dirt, grain pellets, sand, pieces of gravel, wood flour, and talc powder all over operating lines, dryer tanks, the control room, corporate visitors who were inspecting the processing office, and nine of his fellow co-workers.

The machine even picked up a large wooden splinter from a nearby broken pallet and shot it through the air at deadly speed. It immediately penetrated the left eyeball of a newly-hired employee who was going through an orientation tour, killing him instantly.

Although everyone was highly disappointed with its performance, Tanya Jenkins, 34, seemed the most aggravated. After being completely covered in talc powder, the corporate inspector told reporters that this was 'the last straw.'

"I didn't come here to have white stuff sprayed in my face, on my hair, and in my mouth," she hollered.

"God Damnit," she added.

With numerous plumbing issues in the employee restroom, the company is now planning to order a mechanical plunger with a powerful suction device that ejects material out of the top of its handle.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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