Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 2 February 2019

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image for Pete's Wood Awards Mr. Hymen Clit 'Employee of the Month' For January

Portage County, Wisconsin. Pete's Wood, a lumber furniture factory that utilizes only the biggest and hardest wood in order to produce household furniture and outdoor composite decking boards, took a special moment last week to shine the employee spotlight on their new production custodian, Mr. Hymen Clit.

Mr. Clit has served as their custodian for the past 3 months, 2 weeks, and 4 days. As their janitor, Hymen is responsible for sweeping floors, taking out the garbage, and keeping the bathrooms clean. As they have proudly seen, Mr. Clit can empty a tampon disposal container like it's nobody's business.

Because he is not directly involved in the production process, the other employees often call him a pussy. But Hymen Clit is no Pussy!

Pushing brooms and sweeping floors all day long is certainly no easy task, especially when you're being called other names that include shit-burger, penis-face, booger-head, and poopy-mouth. A select few of his co-workers have even resorted to calling him an 'elastic, moisture-dripping, tunnel of cheap love.'

Nonetheless, he pushes forward every single day and keeps both the floors and the bathrooms clean.

Hymen, 39, received his education at St. Tammy's Local School of Unexpected Miracles in Door County, where he made it all the way to third grade. He excelled at recess, balloon-making, and pencil drawing, meaning that he was really good at drawing pictures of pencils.

He almost received a mark of excellence in shoe-tying, but he became overly-excited during the "Shoe Tying Song", and got his fingers stuck in his shoelaces before falling forward (face-first) into a big pile of thumb tacks that the other children had forgotten to pick up.

The members of the administrative staff at Pete's Wood are not really sure about the rest of Hymen's background. They found him standing outside in their parking lot while looking directly at the sun with a tranquil (yet somewhat disturbing) look of euphoria on his face.

Hymen's personal hobbies include staring lethargically at the living room wall of the abandoned camper that he lives in, occasionally hallucinating, and picking scabs off his body, so that he can collect them in a special box that he keeps underneath his bed. Whenever he collects enough scabs to fill the entire box, he takes them out and pushes them all together into a big ball so that he can play catch with himself out in his backyard. Every time the ball of scabs falls apart, he begins the whole process over again.

Mr. Clit has some interesting life goals. He hopes to one day build the world's biggest ball of scabs, and he promises that he won't cheat by using any of his own boogers, which are kept in a separate box, and are being saved for an entirely different purpose. (He plans to fashion a rocking chair out of them.)

And despite the fact that he has never owned a driver's license, he also hopes to one day visit all four corners of the State of Iowa.

A few individuals in the human resources staff have been trying to get Hymen to date one of the office girls, whose name is Harriet Cockman. To save time and shorten pronouncing her full name, they've affectionately given her the nickname, Harry Cock.

When they tried showing Hymen numerous pictures from dirty magazines, in order to get him properly motivated, the images only seemed to confuse him. He couldn’t figure out why all the people in the pictures were fighting without their clothes on, and he actually pointed at one image before asking why the woman looked so happy when she was on her knees with two guys peeing all over her.

After silently reflecting for a few moments, Hymen then stated that he wished to 'remain single within the realm of his own solitude and individual freedom, in order to avoid the meaningless and carnal pursuits of mankind, while seeking to attain the unique spiritual condition of total and complete self-actualization.'

The human resources staff has decided that showing Hymen pornographic images was probably a bad idea.

Whether it’s a pile of dust on the floor, a hardened fecal stain on a toilet seat, or a container full of used tampons, Hymen marches forth like a soldier and completes all of his duties promptly.

At Pete's Wood, where the company motto is BIGGER, FASTER, LONGER, HARDER...Hymen Clit doesn't just do his job, he owns his job!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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