"Somebody Just Fucking Died, and You Will Never See Them Again" Not a Phrase Likely to Replace "Celebration of Life" at Funeral Services

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 2 February 2019

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A new study released by the International Institution of Profoundly Good, Superior, and Extremely Wonderful Information released a confidential report last Thursday indicating that the harsh realities of life will continually be covered up by lies, deceit, and tremendous bullshit.

After gathering statistical data and pages upon pages of empirical evidence, analysts reached the conclusion that the phrase "Celebration of Life" will continually be used at funeral services instead of the words, "Oh, My God! He's Fucking Dead!"..."Where's my Xanax?"...and even..."How Do We Divide Up His Savings Account and His Life Insurance Without Going Ape-Shit and Killing Each Other?"

Lead analyst, Mike Brower, told reporters that people are also still going to listen to meaningless and boring church sermons about Jesus before they eat ham and cheese sandwiches after the body of their loved one is either cremated into ashes and thrown into the wind, or perhaps left in one piece before being placed four to seven feet underneath the cold ground of a cemetery.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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