US Homeland Security Border Patrol Guards Needed

Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 23 January 2019

image for US Homeland Security Border Patrol Guards Needed
Protecting Americ's borders!

It is the responsibility of the US Department of Homeland Security to uphold US Immigration policy, and to provide trained personnel to undertake that task.

With this in mind, US Homeland Security Services would like to announce the need for additional staff to work at the southern border with Mexico.

There are 3,500 positions available, all of which are for Border Patrol Guards (BPG).

To satisfy the employment criteria, you should:

be aged 18-40 years old

be single, and without a partner

be a loner, or used to working alone

be someone who doesn't mind long periods of inactivity

be someone who can block out raging tedium

have excellent eyesight, hearing and sense of smell

have an aptitude for using firearms

not be squeamish


Spanish language skills would be a bonus but not absolutely necessary, as the chances of ever meeting a Mexican in the course of your work are extremely slim.

Successful applicants will be immediately despatched to one of 500 different areas on the Mexico border, from where they will probably never return. A 12-hour shiftwork system is operated, and employees are free to go wherever they please in the barren wastelands, during their off-duty hours. Salary will be commensurate with experience. A uniform will be provided.

Please call us toll-free on 800-375-5283 to apply, or, if you already live in the southern border area, just turn up with your weapon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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