Highlighting the dramatically higher incidents of cardiac arrest among African-Americans, a report published by the ACLU posits that racial profiling may be at play - specifically, the ACLU speculates that police officers are disproportionately targeting and detaining African-American men and feeding them doughnuts, thereby causing elevated blood pressure and cholesterol levels and, ultimately, cardiac arrest.
In other words, stated ACLU investigator Jack Sharpe, "We suspect that police are using fatty, sugary doughnuts to entrap black men into cardiac arrest."
He pointed to a number of indisputable facts that support the ACLU's theory. "It's secret that cops love doughnuts. And cops plus doughnuts plus detained black men equals cardiac arrest. We're really just putting two and two together here."
Logical as the police doughnut conspiracy may seem to some, New York City Police Chief Mel O'Hara denied the ACLU's allegations, dismissing the proffered evidence as purely circumstantial.
“I do like doughnuts," he conceded, "and we generally keep quite a few of them around at all times. But I can assure you, neither I nor any of my officers ever give them away, let alone force them on the dirtbags - that is, community members - we bring in."
Pressing the point, Chief O'Hara insisted that his police officers never detain individuals beyond a reasonable period of time. “We keep things short and sweet." He winked and added, "Extremely sweet" - only to instantly backtrack. “I retract that last statement. We’re off the record, right?”