EDGE CITY, NY – After hours of investigating this morning's robbery of the Edge City Bank, Police Commissioner Ben Gothan declared that the robbery was a non-crime.
Detective Mitch Callaway addressed the assembled press with a pre-written statement. Callaway began: “After a careful and thorough investigation, we have concluded that Pretorius's henchmen were responsible for the robbery. But let's be real, ladies and gentlemen... the bank had it coming.”
Callaway continued: “First off, the bank was just asking to be robbed. With all of its commercials bragging about its high interest rates and stellar customer service, it's a miracle that the bank isn't robbed every other day. And the bank isn't doing itself any favors by being located in Edge City, where vigilantes like the Mask and villains like Walter run rampant.”
Callaway proceeded: “Second, just look at the building. It's made of brick. And everyone knows that men have these uncontrollable, biological urges to commit crimes when exposed to bricks for long periods of time.”
Callaway continued: “Third, the bank staff might very well be making it up. Remember the 2008 financial crisis? I sure do! For all we know, the bank could have squandered the money and filed a false police report to cover up their sloppiness.”
Callaway proceeded: “And let's not forget that the bank is absolutely ruining the lives of Pretorius and his henchmen. They'll never be able to show their faces in public again. They have to face the threat of police brutality, especially if one of the henchmen is Black. And good luck finding a job with a felony on your record!"
Callaway continued: “Heck, I even bet that the bank's employees didn't say 'No.' I bet they just raised their hands, told the robbers everything that they needed to take the money, and let the robbers leave without putting up a fight. For crying out loud, the bank's staff are practically accomplices to the crime... excuse me... non-crime!”
Callaway concluded: “It's a shame that the bank just let itself get robbed. It's hard to feel pity for such a weak, naive, careless bank. That's why we have decided to classify this as a non-crime, and focus on the true threats to our society: people who share their Netflix passwords with others, people who catch fish with their bare hands, and Barack Obama.”