"999 What's Your Emer...Ah Fuck It"

Written by Backandtotheleft

Monday, 8 October 2018

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A shocking new report has found that over one million crimes a year aren’t even investigated by the police. To people who enjoy stealing cheap bottles of cider, this is great news! But, for those of us who expect our law enforcement to do a semi competent job, it is a cause for concern.

In real terms, it means that 27% of calls to 999 were screened-out before being passed onto officers to pursue, essentially meaning, sticking your arse out of a window and farting is the most effective way of reporting a crime 1/3 of the time.

The calls are “logged” but then “completely fucking ignored” for a variety of reasons. We’re guessing if Strictly’s on, you're less likely to get an operator who can be arsed to pass on your report to actual policemen/women/dogs.

The orders have come down from 'on high', and 999 operator, Toby Tobinson of Tobury, said:

"In our line of work, you have access to a lot of information that the public don’t have access to. For example, we know that 78% of all 999 callers are just grasses snitching up their neighbours because they think they're Polish. So we ignore those."

We asked if he thought there would be any significant changes in the way that calls are handled now that this information has been made public. He shook his head:

"I doubt it. We’ve already been told to cut down on calls from the North of England by 50%, and police units are already engaged in so many other duties. There’s Royal weddings to guard, celebrities to escort, fracking protesters to arrest -
loads of things."

But he assured us the police were doing a lot in other ways:

"Of course, we’ll always be on the ball when it comes to certain calls.
For example, every time one comes on which is over a child holding an obvious toy gun, we’re on it like a Tory kicking a disabled child. We’ll respond to that one quick as fuck...you know to let people know we're ready to go at the drop of a hat."

We would love to blame funding cutbacks for the current situation but
Theresa May assured us all publicly that there is no correlation between rising crime and less coppers.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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