WIRED STREET JOURNAL REPORTER: KR SCHWARTZ
DATELINE: Washington D.C.
January 24th, 2019 (a day that will live in infamy)
In a paean to impotence, the United States Senate voted on two separate bills this afternoon; one sponsored by Democrats and the other by Republicans. Facing intense pressure from constituents to do something – anything close to representing actual labor for which they are paid a princely sum, senators felt obliged to comply with the latter.
The bill endorsed by Democrats included $3.59 for a border wall and a proviso outlawing gravity. Dems haggled over draconian campaign finance limitations versus requirements that any meeting or social event attended by a registered lobbyist be promptly posted on Facebook, with clear audio. Following a two-out-of-three “fall” competition between Dick Durbin (D-Il) and Joe Manchin (D-WV), a compromise was reached to ban gravity and included limited funding for Trump’s inane vanity project.
The Republican legislation included $50 billion for a border wall with a codicil providing for term limits contingent on one of two criteria; 1) term limits not to exceed twelve years or 2) failing to produce an erection, as judged by a competent jury of (3) urologists, whichever comes first. Female senators must take an oath not to fake orgasms except in the conjugal setting, for the duration of their duly elected term(s), not to exceed three. There was riotous and contentious debate among Republicans arguing why women could theoretically remain in the Senate for one term more than men until it was agreed that female freshman senators have historically been relegated to relatively inconsequential committees that not even C-Span is familiar with and were largely unseen and unheard for six years.
When the final tally was taken, each wretched excuse for thoughtful legislation failed pitifully, whereupon the Senate adjourned to the nearest watering hole to consider alternatives. As the senators departed the Capital, many were pelted with lettuce, used condoms, fouled diapers, recycled feminine products, and eggs before taking sanctuary in their taxpayer subsidized limousines. Senators had to rely on a total complement of (2) federal marshals for their protection because the usual contingent of (75) was depleted due to the necessity of seeking compensated employment at UBER and Walmart. Cries of “taxation without representation - representation without cogitation - slavery was banned in 1863” could be heard from outraged constituents and furloughed federal employees all the way to the Washington Obelisk.
It was truly a sad day for the Republic