Written by joseph k winter

Thursday, 29 November 2018

image for Kinder gentler tear gas has multi-purpose applications including unruly school children
All-purpose gas masks on special for the Christmas Season

With the caravan from Central America now at the border, a new policy features massive blasting of music and lyrics while tear gas is distributed.

Paranoia strikes deep
Into your life it will creep
It starts when you’re always afraid

Hey, what’s that sound
Everybody look what’s going down

Amidst the mayhem of running people, gas-masked police, grabbers of children, these old sounds from Crosby, Stills, Nash of the past are buoying all sides to take a deep breath and calm down.

Nevertheless, there is a bright side to all these developments.

As clarified by the President, the tear gas being used is harmless, and good for the economy.

SprayAwayTear Gas Co. has been quick to clarify that Mr. Trump has no financial investment in this particular tear gas.

The product is the “minor form of tear gas” (according to Mr. Trump) used on refugees at the border with Mexico recently.

“It’s very safe,” the President added. "We got the idea for it from the Gaza Strip."

Quick to move forward, SprayAway has clarified this product can be used in any disciplinary situation.

From kindergarten through high school, most teachers have found occasions when a little tear gas might have helped out.

Analysts with links to insider sources, explain Mr. Trump’s enthusiasm for this ploy for order extends to White House staff meetings.

General Kelly has been observed more red-eyed than normal lately, according to investigators on the scene.

A special application tear gas bomb, known as “The Acosta Special,” is also available for use at press conferences for unruly reporters.

Indeed, during family gatherings with Jared and Ivanka et al, Mr. Trump keeps a can of SprayAway on the dinner table - just in case.

Why use this milder gentler tear gas instead of the real thing?

It is a warning that real tear gas might be used next time.

Recently, it was used at the San Ysidro border against “baby grabbers.”

One particular mother grabbing her two young girls to run barefoot away from the gas, was caught in an iconic photo now sweeping the globe.

“We were not at the border,” she stated later in an interview. “We were trying to get there when the gas came.”

Mr. Trump responded: “Like I said, it’s a vicious world out there.”

SprayAway Corporation is reporting a rising tide of sales as we speak.

Plus there is something of a Crosby, Stills, Nash revival going on:

Hey, hey, what’s that sound
Everybody look what’s going down

Hey we’ve got to stop and look around
Yeah stop, hey, what’s that sound
We’ve got to stop and look around


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

Do you dream of being a comedy news writer? Click here to be a writer!





Mailing List

Get Spoof News in your email inbox!

Go to top
69 readers are online right now!
Globey, The Spoof's mascot

We use cookies to give you the best experience, this includes cookies from third party websites and advertisers.

Continue ? Find out more