Massachusetts - Scientists imported from England today declared that the reason Donald J. Trump feels there is a witch hunt for him is because he is indeed a witch. Scientists meeting secretly in Salem, Massachusetts have worked out the science behind Trump being diagnosed as witch.
“I am a knight of the round table from En-g-land, I and my three collea-gues have studied this matter of Don-ald J. Trump,” said Edward Nite, “As you know in our world there are many things that do not make the sense. We have determined that Donald J. Trump is a one of those tings. Now let us examine what exactly does this mean? What this means is that Donald J. Trump is part of a group of elements we Knights like to call moronititous.”
“This,” continued Nite, “ is why Mr. Trump keeps insisting there is a witch hunt when if fact there really is not. Nobody from our group of Knights has a been hunting him! If we had a been hunting him he would know, because we are like a pack of angry dogs when get a going! Now back to the science in-a-volved in this here witch.”
“We will bring the witch to Salem for trial where we will conduct a series of tests. Numbera one, we must compare Mr. Trump to other things in the moronititous element group. We will weigh him on the scales and if he weighs more than any of the three other elements then he is a witch and he must be burned. Exhibita one will be Paul Ryan, Exhibita two will be Mitchie McConnell, Exhibita three will be Devin Nunes. The most interesting thing about these elements is they are completely without a spine. Look at these x-rays.”
The Knight shows a set of four x-rays, Trump’s is remarkably larger, but none of them have a spine showing in the skeleton. “Another characteristic of this element. You will notice an extreme amount of tweeting after each and every revelation like we are making today. In the old days they use to tweet like real birds.”
We will continue to follow this story as it develops, no word yet on how Mr Trump will be brought to Salem for his witch trial!