WASHINGTON, D.C. - In an attempt to clear his name, Judge Brett Kavanaugh penned a column in the Wall Street Journal. He started by saying, “I am an independent, impartial judge that just so happens to hate Democrats. I hate them with the force and fury of one thousand burning suns. I can't even say 'Democrat' without foaming at the mouth in inarticulate rage.”
Kavanaugh continued: “My tone was sharp, and I said some things that I should not have said. Things like, calling Christine Blasey Ford a 'trampy tramp tramper tramp with tramp pudding à la tramp.' Things like, how the Clintons are walking turds, wearing ill-fitting skin suits made from Vincent Foster, who they murdered. Things like, accusing Amy Klobuchar of being a blackout drunk. And things like, how I wanted to dig a hole into the center of the Earth and throw every Democrat, liberal, and Black person in it.”
The column continued: “I testified with five people foremost in my mind: my mom, my wife, my daughters, and Scarlett Johansson. Because really... all five of them have fine asses. Am I right, Grassley, or am I right? Bros before hosebags! CHUG IT!”
What followed were three lines of periods.
The column resumed: “The Supreme Court must never be viewed as a partisan institution. I mean, sure... the conservative judges always vote in favor of the rich and powerful, but just because something happens to be true doesn't mean that we have to go out of our way to make a big deal out of it! Am I right, Collins, or am I right?”
The column added: “Going forward, you can count on me to be the same kind of judge and person I have been for the past 28 years of my legal career. I will work hard in dealing judicial defeats to the Democrats. With an even keel, I will overturn Roe vs. Wade, and throw Norma McCorvey in prison for the rest of her life. With an open mind, I will purge every non-Republican citizen from the voting rolls. And I will independently swim in the oceans of my enemies' blood as I send them to the eternal torment that they so richly deserve!”
The column concluded: “Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha! Bow down, fools, to the great and powerful Brett Kavanaugh!”