Written by The Loony Liberal

Friday, 5 October 2018

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The story you are trying to access may cause offense, may be in poor taste, or may contain subject matter of a graphic nature. This story was written as a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

WASHINGTON D.C. - In a White House presser, President Donald Trump angrily railed against Democratic lawmakers. He spouted, “These Democratic thugs... they want you to believe everything they say! Well, I say that they're all a bunch of huge liars! They want to say that 2 + 2 = 4? Well, they're WRONG! Everyone knows that 2 + 2 = Beef! And if you don't love beef, you're not an American!”

Hours after President Trump's claim, Politifact responded, posting on their website that President Trump's mathematics were “Half-True.”

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At his most recent press conference, President Trump claimed that 2 + 2 = Beef.

Is it really?

We decided to investigate this complex mystery ourselves.

Arithmetic Confusion

First, we went to Google and asked, “What is 2 plus 2?” We received mixed results. Google displayed a calculator app that displayed the number “4,” but the first hyperlink returned is titled, “2 + 2 = 5.”

We decided to dig deeper.

A Practical Exercise

We had two of our interns, Janice and Phillip, buy two apples, and told them to return to the office with two apples. Janice returned with two apples. As for Phillip, we received a phone call from him six hours later. He was in a strip club, where he eagerly proclaimed that 2 + 2 = ginormous breasts.

This led to the conclusion that 2 + 2 = one missing intern, two apples, and a mystery unsolved.

The Conspiracy

We decided to question President Trump himself. We were directed to his press secretary, Sarah Huckabee-Sanders. She told us that President Trump never said that 2 + 2 = Beef. We offered to play video footage of him saying that exact statement, but she dismissed us as Anti-fa, screamed incoherently, and hung up.

Next, we decided to call Paul Krugman. We asked him what 2 + 2 was. He asked if this was some sort of joke or code. We repeated the question. Krugman responded, “I don't have time for this!” and hung up.
What started as basic arithmetic had blossomed into a high-level hush-up. What if there was no right answer to this question? What if we mere humans were never supposed to hold such knowledge?

The Political Debate

We logged into the forms at Huffington Post and asked, “What is 2 + 2?” The majority of those who replied answered, “4”, though there were quite a few who accused us of being a Republican, and some who asked if our mommies and daddies knew we were on the internet.

For balance, we then logged into the forums of Breitbart.com. We asked, “What is 2 + 2?” We received a variety of answers, such as:

• “Obama's a Kenyan Muslim!”
• “Billary ate babies in the basement of a pizza parlor!”
• Death threats
• “2 + 2 = Your Mom!”
• [a picture that looked like a woman being molested by purple tentacles with the words, “Liberal Media” written on them]
• More death threats
• “This is pruf [sp] that the smartist [sp] liburl [sp] is dummer [sp] than the dummist [sp] right-weengir [sp]!”
• Hundreds of GIFs of people with President Trump's head superimposed on them punching people with Hillary Clinton's head imposed on them
• A death threat involving hot pokers and cold snails

We found that both sides had valid points.

Our Conclusion

It may seem that 2 + 2 = 4, but with the proliferation of false news stories and outright lies, it's important to not always go with one's gut feeling. Just because 2 + 2 = 4 today doesn't mean that 2 + 2 might equal Strawberry Gelatin tomorrow. And with the existence of base mathematics, it is theoretically possible that there might be an alternate universe where 2 + 2 is actually Beef. We rate President Trump's claim “Half-True.”

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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