The Ku Klux Klan has announced plans to introduce more diversity into the organisation to combat dwindling membership.
Speaking by phone from his compound in Red Knob, Arkansas, Gaylord McFukwit, leader of the Swamp Knights, the biggest of the US KKK chapters, explained today. “The Klan ain’t what it used to be. Ever since them dirty commie, nigger-lovin’, vegetarian assholes in Washington DC made lynching illegal, we’ve seen a rapid decline in membership. Racist psychopaths across the US can’t get their kicks in the Klan no more, and they’re turning to serial killing, internet fraud and online juvenile stalking to get off on.”
McFukwit continued, “We got to get more people to join or the Klan is going out of business. So our Imperial Kleagle has just put some adverts up on KareerBuilder.kom. To join the new-look Klan you’ll need to be a registered psychopath, have 2 working arms, an IQ of at least 45, be an Abe, Armo, Beaney, Buddahead, Coconut, Dink, or any kind of non-white person. Experience in lynching, racial vilification, building crosses, or generally being a racist is not required, full training will be provided. Oh, and you need to own a licensed side-arm. Owners of AK47’s or M16’s will be highly regarded, and possession of phosphorous grenades will gain you automatic free-entry and appointment as a serjeant-at-arms.”
Asked whether gay people or women will be welcome in the Klan, McFukwit replied, “We’re still chewin’ the fag thing over. We may let them have their own chapter called ‘Ring Raiders for Lynching’. Womenfolk is much harder. We got the Ladies Auxiliary. Me and the boys can’t see how full membership is gonna work since the women will be in the kitchen cooking for us, sweeping the yard, looking after the kids, slopping out the pig pens, recovering from their latest beating, and generally doing what we tell them. If we let women join we won’t be able to beat on them no more and that’s something the boys ‘n’ me can’t get used to.”
McFukwit thanked The Spoof for helping their recruitment campaign and promised a scoop the next time they plan to dynamite a church or arrange a lynching.
