Family and Community Express Concern Over Man's Lack Of Drinking

Written by Wesley Janson

Saturday, 8 September 2018


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Minnesota. Two years ago, Thomas Steiner made the life-changing decision to quit drinking and to get completely away from alcohol. After years of making poor choices, feeling sick all the time, having numerous health problems, and experiencing the effects of long-term, alcohol-induced depression, Thomas took a brave step forward and decided to get rid of the source of most of his trouble.

The 46-year-old now claims that he has never felt better and that his life is definitely on the right track. Family, friends, and co-workers, however, feel somewhat differently.

"I miss the way he used to throw up constantly while having severe diarrhea after smoking 2 packs of non-filtered Camel Cigarettes and consuming mass quantities of expired Budweiser," said his 11-year-old daughter, Stephanie.

"He would actually puke and shit his pants at the same time right before falling down on the kitchen floor. It was really fun to watch. Now, he just goes jogging every morning at 5:00 am. It's boring," she added.

"Dad was always emotionally-closed off when he drank hard liquor, and he would often get mad about the little things in life right before blowing a massive and psychotic fuse," said his 14-year-old son, Brad.

"He used to yell at me all the time for no reason, but he is calm, patient, and self-controlled these days. He pays attention to what I'm doing, he takes me to baseball games, and he displays concern about the direction my life is headed. It feels strange and creepy. I want my old father back," he stated.

Janet Steiner, his wife, had a few concerns of her own.

"Thomas and I have romantic 'get-aways' like we used to before we had children. He's in much better shape, he looks younger, and he made deeply-passionate love to me like a wild animal last weekend while we were vacationing by ourselves in a beautiful cabin on the lakefront," she said. "I thought it was a bit much," she confessed.

"He shows up in Church every Sunday, gives thanks for all of the blessings that life has to offer, and even gets involved in Community Service Projects. He tries to help other people, and he feels an internal need to display warmth and friendship to those around him. The guy seriously needs to slow down a bit. I think he's going too far, too fast," Reverend Douglas Moore told reporters.

"I used to get called over to his part of the neighborhood all the time when he would wander off in a drunken haze and end up peeing all over somebody else's house," said police officer, Marcus Lindermann. "But now that he has sobered up, I just drive around in my squad car feeling bored all the time."

Because he currently works as a maintenance supervisor at a local wood furniture factory, some of his co-workers have also noticed that he's been displaying a lot of needless, obnoxious, positive, sober energy.

"He comes to work as if every new day is a blessing, he's nice to all of us, and he smiles a lot. It's disgusting, and I can't stand it anymore," said his co-worker, Walter Mezera.

Thomas Steiner went home last week on Thursday only to find all of these concerned people in his living room with an open chair waiting just for him.

"There was no other way to get him to talk openly," Reverend Moore told reporters. "We all care about him, and we all just wanted to do the right thing. Interventions are often emotionally painful because you have to sit there and listen to things you really don't want to hear," he added.

In order to show Thomas some sympathy for what he had just been through, everybody in the room gave him some whiskey and some beer to cheer him up again.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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