Cornfield, IA. After a long and stressful day, Reverend Thomas P. Whitestain, 39, came home last Tuesday evening only to find out that his dog had shit all over the kitchen floor and that his wife of 15 years had been cheating on him with Mr. Robert Tool, his 78-year-old neighbor who lives down the street.
"That was the precise moment when I fell apart as a person and decided to get drunk," Reverend Whitestain told news officials. "I simply drove to the nearest gas station and purchased a carton of Marlboros, a case of lime-flavored beer, and a bottle of Whiskey. I then proceeded to get hideously shit-faced."
When asked if he had suspected that his wife was cheating on him, he stated that he often got the feeling that something was wrong, but that he tried not to think about it.
"There were hints," he said. "For example, the neighbor down the street came over with his big, huge garden hose one evening while my wife was doing yard work, and he sprayed her bush. (the bush that she was trimming in the front yard, that is)."
"That didn't really bother me, but I also noticed that he was calling her 2-3 times a day and that they would spend hours talking to each-other. Feeling somewhat worried, I looked through her cell phone and discovered that she had sent him several love messages as well as three nude photos of herself."
"I didn't want to jump to conclusions at that point, of course, so I let it go. When I got home last Tuesday and saw her giving it to him reverse cowgirl style in the middle of my stairwell, however, I knew that my worst fears had been true."
One of our lead reporters asked the good reverend how all of this has affected his faith.
"There is no God!" he coldly exclaimed before lighting a cigarette and cracking open yet another beer.
We further asked Reverend Whitestain if there were any other factors that drove him to get so incredibly drunk on a Tuesday evening.
"I'm just burned out in general," he said. "I'm tired of giving sermons, teaching classes, and counseling congregation members. I'm especially tired of counseling congregation members! These people's lives are far too fucked up to fix!"
"I have one member in my congregation who is a real pain in the ass! He has been asking me for spiritual advice and wisdom for several years, but no matter how much I use the moral teachings of Scripture to help him develop a more 'faith-centered' and 'God-pleasing' existence, he still can't seem to clean up his act or straighten out his life."
"He really is just a hopeless penis-face," the Reverend continued. "I think he has a mental disorder or something. And it really didn't help when I found out that he (in addition to my neighbor) has also been drilling my wife. They actually all got together and had a threesome while I was in my office two weeks ago..."
"God Damnit!" he further added.
After continuing to talk about how crappy life is, claiming that he will no longer pray for people, making several remarks about the members of his congregation having severe moral and cognitive deficiencies as a result of inbreeding, and then throwing an empty beer can out into his yard, Reverend Whitestain went back into his house so that he could work on next week's sermon.
It will describe how Heavenly Angels grow their wings by drinking the tears of hopeless and downtrodden people, and it will be broadcast on the radio.
He will also be teaching Bible classes at St. Tammy's Local School of Unexpected Miracles next month.
