In another sign that the Mueller team charges with investigating Russian Collusion is closing in in the President himself, the French Poodle “Fifi”, a gift from the President to his wife Melania, has been detained by FBI special agents skilled in forensic canine communications. The dog is reported to have been wearing a collar without a valid DC animal control license. Fifi is facing euthanasia if she fails to testify against her master.
“Our special agents are skilled at interpreting the non-verbal canine responses to visual and auditory stimulus” a Mueller spokesperson reported. “We have concluded that Fifi was a witness to the President collaborating with Vladimir Putin to overthrow the United States and insert a Russian agent into the White House. Fifi also witnessed numerous indiscretions between the President and various porn stars and models. Fifi will also testify under oath that President Trump was verbally abusive whenever she had an accident and shit on the carpeting.”
The President is said to be both enraged and despondent by the turn of events; “The witch hunt continues!” the President tweeted shortly after the announcement. “It’s not enough that they throw my lawyer in jail, and go after my family—they’re crossing the line when they threaten Fifi with the blue needle! She has a valid dog licence; it was issued in New York where we maintain a legal residence.”
Democrat animal rights activists celebrated the news. “The blue needle is the best thing for that dog!” exclaimed a Democrat Congresswoman, who asked to remain anonymous. “Better dead than being forced to obey the commands of a racist piece of shit like Trump!”
AG Sessions is said to have already recused himself in the canine investigation, with a DOJ spokesperson reporting that the AG once scratched Fifi behind the ears, making it impossible for him to be impartial in the case.