To the graduating class of 2019, congratulations on having me as your commencement speaker. That fact alone makes you the greatest of all graduating classes in the history of the world.
Now I want to tell you a few things that will ensure your success after you leave here.
It’s okay to be ignorant and uninformed. I am the perfect example of that. I don’t bother to learn the facts about anything, I just make them up to suit whatever I want to say. It’s okay to have no curiosity. I myself have not read a book or a newspaper in over fifty years.
It’s okay to ridicule and/or to demonize anyone who disagrees with you. We don’t need to get along with others or to tolerate different points of view. That’s not what this country’s founders wanted.
It’s okay to resent people who are different than you and me, who speak differently, who look different than us, people who we can blame for everything we need to blame someone else for. For example, you can blame them for the crippling student debt you are saddled with.
It’s okay to lie prodigiously. Did I pronounce that right?
It’s okay to cheat the contractors who expect to be paid for the work they did for you. You know that they are hiring wetbacks, right, and paying them under the table, so screw them. Let ‘em sue, you sue them back and your lawyer can settle on the cheap.
And speaking of lawyers, it’s okay to use your own lawyer to fix things that need fixing, even if it is illegal. Just don’t pick a lawyer who might flip on you, ‘cause there’s nothing worse than a scumbag who breaks his word to protect you. Except that it’s okay to break the oath you gave to protect the Constitution against all enemies, foreign and domestic.