Friday, the C.I.A. released a preliminary report outlining the anticipated voter turnout in the 2018 US mid-term elections and the impact of Russian interference.
CIA Director Mike Pompeo told this reporter, “All indications reflect the Russian turnout will substantially exceed the number of US registered voters likely to waddle to the polls in November. We have already identified a torrent of former Iron Curtain country sourced bots advertising notices that your official vote can be cast online. Using every avenue of social media, moronic Americans are directed to bogus websites posting faux ballots designed to look authentic. Each site visitor simply enters their address or zipcode and a ballot reflecting their local candidates appears. Once the dipshits cast their ballots, to “certify and authenticate” their votes, they are asked to enter their social security numbers and the routing number to their checking accounts. There is no vaccine for stupidity.”
When asked what the impact of this cyber-balloting will have, Pompeo smirked, “I fully expect the net effect will reflect more Russians or Putin cut-outs casting legitimate votes than real Americans, alive and dead by at least a four-to-one margin.”
When questioned about measures we can take to protect our voting systems, Pompeo added, “This approach completely circumvents our official voting systems, so there is no actual compromise of our voting apparatus. Idiots will believe they have cast their vote online, and never even go to a polling location, feeling civic pride all the while. All we can do is attempt to inform the public of the fraudulent voting scheme devised by our enemies, but our Supreme Leader has so discredited the intelligence community and the media, our surveys indicate the vast majority of Americans will only believe what they see on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Fox & Friends. We considered running public service announcements starring Honey Boo Boo and Phil Robertson, but the TV networks balked. We explored sponsoring a car on the NASCAR circuit, but the Inspector General nixed that idea. SBA Administrator Linda McMahon is the CEO of the WWF, so we tried to negotiate some paid-per-view Smackdown spectaculars with nude female midgets and freaks, and running forty-five-second infomercials, but the President wanted a 20% cut of the gross receipts off the top, and that blew up the deal. MI6 has since passed us some telephonic intercepts indicating Putin was getting 75% of Trump’s cut."
Pompeo added, "Meaningful legislation from the Hill is about as likely as my sleeping with Melania in the Lincoln bedroom - my former colleagues in Congress are as useful as a hairstylist at a guillotine. Info Wars is promoting a fake news conspiracy theory that the Bill of Rights was actually written by Karl and Harpo Marx. Sadly, polls indicate 22% of American voters believe it."
"Frankly, once Trump was elected, I thought we were screwed, but I grossly underestimated the magnitude of the calamity – it is apocalyptic, and this country will be FUBAR by the Spring of 2019. I am personally grabbing all I can now, before the mid-term elections, when I will be moving to the Gold Coast of Australia. I have discovered seven previously unknown bank accounts opened by Ollie North in Cyprus to hold Iranian wire transfers prior to the Iran-Contra scandal, and I have seized them for myself and my posterity. The Aussies speak English and have lots of topless beaches, so if that whacked out douchebag in North Korea gets really pissed off at The Apprentice-in-Chief, and launches a couple of dinky nukes, I’ll be far away from the mushroom clouds over Catalina Island. I have already drafted my last official press release before I board a plane, and it will consist of simply the following acronym, AMF! I strongly encourage you to devise your own exit strategy and quickly. Sorry, but all of the seats on my plane are booked, mostly by Trump’s Cabinet.”