The Wired Street Urinal
REPORTER: KR SCHWARTZ
FEBRUARY 7th 2018
This morning, President Trump utilized his “executive time;” normally spent watching “Fox & Friends,” firing off tweets recommended by Sean Hannity or watching “Roadrunner” cartoons, to execute (2) new Executive Orders and one widely-anticipated ruling whether or not to declassify a document.
In his initial Executive Order following a flurry of tweets, Trump established a mandate that he immediately be addressed as “His Excellency” by all subordinates (excluding Vladimir Putin), under penalty of immediate arrest and deportation.
His second order establishes an annual “Hail to our Noble Supreme Chief” military procession, to be conducted on his birthday for the remainder of his life. “I’m sick and tired of watching that North Korean looney tune perched in a grandstand while tanks, mobile rocket launchers, jeeps, trucks, artillery and troops march by in a procession lasting hours! Our military could blow his ass back into the Stone Age in minutes, and I have a way bigger button that works than that nut job with a 3rd-rate haircut. Who’s his stylist anyway? I’d have 'em shot if I looked like that. Well, now I will have the biggest, longest, best parade ever, attended by millions – even more people than were at my Inauguration, if that’s even possible. People tell me it’s not. And in keeping, Pennsylvania Avenue will hereafter be called “Trump Way,” because I say so, and there’s nothing anybody can do about it, not even biased Robert Mueller!”
In a move certain to infuriate Democratic representative, Little Adam Schiff, Trump has decided not to declassify the Democratic rebuttal to the Republican harlequin, Devin “Nunes Memo.” “After trying a half-dozen times to read the extremely lengthy Democratic memo, I have determined it is booooooring and wordy, lots of words… too many words. Plus, it looks like there are some things in there that could actually be substantiated by some in the intelligence commune, and making that known to the public would be a no-no. I took an oath not to condone no-nos. The “Nunes Memo” had none of those problems – I could read it on Twitter and did not have to be concerned with disclosing any facts. Devin made my job so easy… right up my alley – a no-brainer. So accordingly, the Little Adam Schiff Memo has been reclassified “Top Secret” and any unauthorized leaking or disclosure will be treated as treason. I am not going to have anything happen like what traitor Cranky Senator Diane Feinstein did in the Senate when she released the testimony of those Lying Hillary stooges, Fission GDP. You leak, and my personal gnome, Jeff Sessions whiffs your ass off to Guantanamo in a New York minute. Fuhgetaboutthatshit!”
In related news, facing intense pressure from Congressional Democrats, His Excellency has established new sanctions against Russia to take effect immediately:
1) No Russian will be allowed to buy more than (5) Trump bobbleheads at one time, but I am lifting all restrictions to buying Trump Vodka
2) No Russian may transfer more than $2 billion through the Federal Reserve wire transfer system in any given (24-hour) period. Thanks to Secretary Munchkin for that one
3) Russians will now pay a 50% premium in the initiation fee to join any Trump Golf Club
4) No Russian will be allowed to purchase any Trump properties without using at least a Russian sounding name. HINT: Stolichnaya is OK.
5) Russia’s feed of “TRMS – The Rachel Maddow Show” will be blocked, as it is in all my residences and hotels. I hear she’s a fag
6) Russians are prohibited from entering any McDonalds in New York, Florida, or Washington D.C., and that even includes my good buddies, the Sergey twins, Lavrov and Kislyak. Sorry guys – tough love.