Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Wednesday, 13 December 2017

image for Alabama Says It Will Secede from the Union Unless Roy Moore Is Seated in the Senate
"Pedophilia now, pedophilia tomorrow, pedophilia forever!"

Montgomery, AL--Gov. Kay Ivey announced, after Judge Roy Moore's loss to Democrat Doug Jones, that unless Moore is seated in the Senate, despite his electoral loss to Jones, Alabama will secede from the Union, and expects other southern states to follow suit.

In a speech given to a large group of angry Moore supporters in Montgomery, Ivey proclaimed, echoing an Alabama governor from another era, "Pedophilia now, pedophilia tomorrow, pedophilia forever!"

In fact Gov. Ivey, in an interview with CNN, said that even though she doesn't disbelieve the women who charged Moore with being a sexual predator and a pedophile, she nonetheless strongly believes that God intended for Moore to sit in the Senate as Alabama's junior Senator, adding, "Look: It's not like Judge Moore cheated on his wife. In fact, I believe he was not married when he was dallying with the fourteen year old. And how old was Mary when Joseph first lay with her? There is, you know, biblical precedence for this."

One reporter at the rally in which Ivey encouraged Alabama to secede from the Union asked the Governor why she thought it was a good idea for Alabama, or for that matter any state, to secede from the Union over the issue of pedophilia, and the Governor looked her straight in the face and quoted from Alabama's motto, Audemus pedophilium nostra defendere, which, the Governor added, means in English "We dare defend our pedophiles!"

President Trump, when asked about the possible succession of Alabama from the Union, replied, astounded, "When did Alabama rejoin the Union?"

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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