The war on Christmas is eternal, and will only be won when Jesus Christ himself returns and everyone in the world is dead. Today that glorious day came a step closer when Donald Trump effectively reclaimed Jerusalem as the capital of Christianity, promising to rid it of Muslims and eventually Jews too.
In a statement, Trump said that the US embassy would be moved to the Holy City. He added that this year people would be looking forward to saying "Merry Christmas" again in both Israel and in so-called Palestine.
Since its early days, Christians and Christmas itself have suffered at the hands of bleeding heart liberals such as the Roman Empire, the Huns and the Vikings. Eventually they all converted to follow Jesus, but still more non-believers are coming to threaten our very existence by wishing us "Seasons Greetings".
These soul-less non-believers are unlikely to be around much longer - a Republican senator has tabled an amendment to the constitution to imprison them. Three states have already effectively made it legal to shoot someone if they say "Happy Holidays". Especially if they're not even white.
Meanwhile, in shopping malls across the US, the war on Christmas in the US is beginning its usual routine. Soldiers freshly returned from Afghanistan are to be deployed fully armed in stores and malls, encouraging citizens to enjoy the spirit of Christmas, and defending it against those who choose their well-wishing words wrongly. It's what Jesus would have wanted.