Osucit, Japan - Ken Assosuka of the Osucit Power and Light Company held a press conference today to reveal a new process for burning coal that reduces CO2 emissions to zero. The new process captures the CO2 and uses it to carbonate saki, orange juice, grape juice, gasoline, oil, tap water, beer, whiskey, and every fluid produced by industry.
"We had a small technical issue with exploding car batteries when we carbonated sulfuric acid, but we are making great progress on that one. And then there was the flatulence problem with all that fizzy drinking. But that's a minor issue we are solving with a new yeast strain that lives in the gut and actually consumes CO2 with the side effect of diamonds in the stool. In fact that is funding our program.
"Of course our worst issue was when we carbonated the cooling water at Fukushima nuclear... oops, not supposed to talk about that one."
At this point security grabbed Ken and I ran to my car for a carbonated aspartame drink, farting loudly all the way