Tokyo, Japan - In a move that greatly saddened Hello Kitty lovers across Japan, the Tokyo Olympic committee announced Friday that they have decided to go with two inflatable sex dolls, as the mascots for the 2020 Summer Games.
Head of the Games committee, Titzi Wowhi, stated that they needed to make a few moves that would compete with their rivals, China, who spent over 3 gazillion dollars on their '08 Beijing Games. "Other than Hello Kitty and noodles from a vending machine," explained Wowhi, "this is what Japan is best known for. And although I have a profound love for that sweet sweet Kitty, we needed to spice things up a little bit, and let visitors know that it's ok to come to the Japan Games and fornicate in public! It would have been weird to send that message with Hello Kitty."
Yes, apparently these are more than just mere mascots. Anyone coming to Tokyo, who spots one of the 14-foot-tall sex dolls, named Kinki and Minki, will be allowed to chase them down and do whatever they damn well please with them. "Just not allowed to marry them," explained Commissioner Wowhi with a sad face, who tells us that the two slutty dolls are already spoken for. But couldn't give us the name of the spray-tanned leader who bought them.
"Of course, smaller versions of the dolls, (both human and pillow size,) you will be allowed to marry. These dolls will be on sale during the Games, and available for pre-order starting Monday. Japan estimates that the sales from these smaller Kinki and Minki dolls, will more than pay for the 300 Trillion yen that they plan on spending to host The Olympics.
"So don't forget to bring your condoms everyone," said the commissioner, "...or don't, I guess it doesn't really matter!"
