ARCAHATE, Haiti -- Two thousand naked Hatians forced their way past screws into the local jail here, Warden Yozambie Yomama said on the record. The interlopers were suffering from exposure, starvation, zombification, and the Clinton Foundation,
according to their leader, who could not remember his name.
Officials are investigating a nearby food bank that was feeding the crowd packets of pure aspartame, which explains the zombification. This is the mythical white powder witch doctors blow into the faces of future zombies prior to their live burial.
Two hundred shoeless inmates escaped, running in the opposite direction from the jail in the confusion.