Written by Matt Birkenhauer

Saturday, 4 February 2017

image for Bowling Green Suicide Sinkhole Apprehended After Its Latest Massacre

Bowling Green, KY-Yelling "Allahu Akbar!" the suicide sinkhole that attacked eight Corvettes in the Corvette Museum in February of 2012 reappeared today, in Kellyanne Conway's imagination, to unleash on the midsize town of 63,000 souls a horrendous massacre of alternative proportions. Conway, when asked about specifics, couldn't recall exactly how many died or were injured by the suicide sinkhole, which, at any rate, was just a distraction, she went on to explain, from President Trump's attempt to Make America Great Again.

The suicide sinkhole, yelling incoherently about Allah and beautiful virgins promised to it in the hereafter by someone or something, was reportedly taken away by Secret Service agents to be water boarded until it spat back up the three Corvettes still missing from the first massacre that occurred in 2012. Donald Trump, tweeting away as usual with his little tool, exuded, "Great work, Kellyanne! We have 'em on the run now, girl! By the way, where are my Corvettes?!!"

Elsewhere, reporters from a number of media venues, frustrated that they had not heard a single, verifiable fact from Conway in 2017, were (some say, alternatively) considering enhanced interrogation techniques they might use on Conway herself, to see if these techniques could, in fact, get her to tell the truth once, just once, to the American people.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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