Trump Travel Ban Nets Jesus and Mohammed

Written by Chris Dahl

Thursday, 2 February 2017

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POTUS Donald Trump's latest executive order limiting travelers from 7 Middle Eastern countries has had dramatic and immediate effects and for some of the most high-profile celebrities on earth. Aside from doctors, lawyers, translators, mothers, fathers, daughters and sons have been detained or ultimately denied entry into the United States. Last Tuesday, the ban netted two of the most high-profile Middle Eastern celebrities of all time: the Son of God, Jesus, and the Islamic Prophet Himself, Mohammed.

"I was just like WTF," Mohammed bluntly stated upon his release from detainment at New York City's LaGuardia Airport. "My passport was fine. I wasn't smuggling anything. I mean, I had my vape with me, and they were like, 'Is this a weapon?' and I was just like, 'No, just a badass vape rig.' Then they ask me my last name, and I'm like, 'Bro, I'm like Michael Jordan - you just say Michael and everyone knows who he is. Like, I'm not just any old Mohammed. I'm the Mohammed, man. Well, they didn't think it was that funny and they threw me in this cell like I'm some kind of border jumper. I missed my connecting flight to Detroit, so I don't get paid not. Do you know what I get for appearance fees? I was supposed to make a visitation at some mosque, an easy ten grand, and now I'm out that money. I'm sending Trump the bill. And they cracked my vape. He's getting the bill for that, too."

Jesus spent the night "racked out" on a detention cell bench with nothing more than a bologna sandwich and an apple in plastic bag for sustenance. Following his release, Jesus held court at the Chili's bar during 2-for-1 Margaritas Happy Hour. "Trust me," the Son of God began as he sucked down his mango margarita, "this isn't the first time I've been in the clink. I've seen a few drunk tanks in my day. And the Roman's weren't very accommodating when they arrested me before the Crucifixion, but I have to say that detention cell was horrible. It had that urine smell that, like, Riker's Island has or the Orient Road Jail in Tampa has - seen them both unfortunately. The thing that gets me is that they thought I was clowning them. Yeah, believe it, me The Son of the Almighty, just trying to get back after dropping off Mary and the Kids, and they're like, 'Oh yeah, nice try. Jesus Christ. This ain't real. Yeah, okay, and I'm Moses. So, they took my stuff and locked me up."

"This has gone too far," Pontius Pilat, barrister who arrived to defend the incarcerated pro bono, said. "Okay, that sounds weird coming from the guy who actually ordered the death of Jesus Christ, but somehow this is worse. I don't know how, but I'm pretty sure it is. Anyway, this ban just scooped up two of the biggest monotheistic religious leaders in the world and threw them in with everyone else. This is an outrage of Biblical proportions."

"That's why we gotta build a wall," POTUS Donald Trump exclaimed after hearing of the incident. "Yeah, no, not the Mexican Wall, but a wall around the Middle East. Hell, I'll build the wall. I love building walls. Building walls is fun. If we build a wall around the Middle East, they won't be able to get out and come here and blow our stuff up, kill people and a lotta other bad stuff too, you know?"
When asked how the wall would completely contain the entire Middle-Eastern population, Trump said quite clearly, "This time we won't put a big-beautiful door in it, right. I mean, am I right? No door, you can't get out, am I right? Please tell me I'm right."

One reporter said that walls can be flown over, scaled and tunneled beneath, for instance. Trump's response was typically direct, "You can't do that to my wall. This is going to be a great wall, without a door, so there you go. And I'm going to make Mexico pay for it." The POTUS was asked why Mexico and not the Middle-Eastern countries would be paying for the construction, and he said, "From now on, Mexico pays for all the walls. They pay for all the walls. I'm putting new drywall in the White House and I just sent the bill to Mexico. Yup, I gave it to one of the guys doing the drywall who lives in Mexico City and he's gonna drop it off for me. See, I even saved the cost of a stamp, right?"

Trump was then posed with the question of further travel bans, too which he replied, "First is Canada. I never liked those damned Canadians. Am I right? It's the way they talk - all weird and stuff. They say 'ay' after everything. You ever heard them? And they don't say 'house,' they say 'hoos.' They don't say 'mouse' like we do. They say it like 'moose.' So if they say, "I have a moose in my hoose," I don't know whether to get a hunting rifle or a mouse trap, you know? I mean, am I right? So, yeah, they're gone. And, another thing, I love bacon. Bacon is supposed to be thin and crispy and salty and delicious. Have you ever seen Canadian bacon? It's ham. Friggen' ham. So that's it. No more Canadians! I guess the Mexicans are getting another bill for another wall. Am I right?"

After soothing himself with a sufficient number of margaritas and shots of tequila, Jesus realized the epic irony of the whole situation on the front page of the New York Post. "See this," Jesus said, shaking his head. "According to this article, Trump and Pence are the two guys who are going to bring Christ back to the United States - and I can't even get out of the airport. Ironic, huh."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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